“Hello, it’s me
I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet
To go over everything
They say that time’s supposed to heal ya
But I ain’t done much healing
Hello, can you hear me?
I’m in California dreaming about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
I’ve forgotten how it felt
Before the world fell at our feet
There’s such a difference between us
And a million miles.” -Adele “Hello”
The skin I’m in isn’t the original one that was bestowed upon me.
Layer after layer was laid on me against my will through the years. Sadly, this happens to ALL OF US.
After time, the layers became so thick that I no longer remembered what the original skin was like.
The bright freshness and glow have been long forgotten and unseen.
Every now and then I’d recall a memory of what once was, but had now become “such a difference between us
And a million miles.”
All these layers are heavy and burdensome.
I allowed my eyes to fool me, and therefore my mind followed suit.
I was walking around in a skin that was not mine but thinking it so, and painfully believing it so.
Eventually, I could not bare this skin anymore.
I felt foreign, and I ached for relief.
In the wee hours of the night just a few short weeks ago, I sat in my skins brooding over all that THEY were telling ME about who I was. I felt broken and in so much internal pain.
This is when an early memory came into my mind’s eye. It was like the ghosts of scrooge’s past, I watched the memory unfold as if I were truly there again.
I felt those same pains, and heard those same questions float into my mind wondering why? and feeling a loss of love, and value.
This is where the first imposter skin was laid on me.
But this is also when I had saw the true picture of the original skin, the fresh me before the memory unfolded.
I sat that little girl up in bed and I looked at her and said:
Do not let your eyes fool you.
Your light shines so bright.
You are love, beauty, kindness, thoughtfulness, and caring.
Do not look to them, those skins forcefully laid upon me [more memories like this one flashing by] as to who you are or if you are capable of being loved.
Remember your light and walk as such.
You were put on this earth to heal, and bring change toward peace.”
I came back to myself, there on my stool at the kitchen counter in those late night (or early morning?) hours, back into my many layers of imposter skins.
And then I imagined that little girl, in her true skin, standing in front of me. I imagined what she would think if she saw me in this very broken moment.
And she said:
“Do NOT let your eyes fool you.
Remember your light.
You wanted so badly to be where you are as an adult, able to give to the world what so ached in your heart when you were young in your original glow knowing your purpose of healing, activism, peace and bringing equity to the world.
Don’t you dare allow all of those skins that have been put upon you all these years stop you from fulfilling what is in your heart.
Hold on to your true light, and let it shine.”
This was major!
A serious shift occurred.
The glue holding the layers, my belief in their imposturous image, could no longer cease to adhere.
In the coming days layers upon layers were falling off of me. But the layers were laid on so thick that when I shed a few I believed that it was enough.
A few weeks later, bludgeon by my current status quo of life, a lay in the those wee hours of the night (morning?) searching for answers and refuge from the storm.
Well, I guess this is where it gets cliché, and now I know why the many stories bare resemblance (just as the author in the book Eat, Pray, Love experienced), and I guess this is how it happens.
I was using my voice recorder to speak my inner most feelings and thoughts because I was alone and did not want to write them down, or type them in a document. I spoke softly into my phone mic as to not blast my pangs through the desolate and dark house.
After some time of pouring out what was inside me, I began to start thinking a prayer. Now this was foreign for me to do!
But, I let it flow anyways because it seemed to be coming effortlessly and from a place I wasn’t sure of.
I softly spoke the prayer that was spilling it’s way past my lips.
And soon after, in that moment, I remembered the scripture that my Grandma Bea offered to her family as “Words to guide and keep you.”
[Trust in the LORD with all thine heart;
and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all they ways acknowledge him,
And he shall direct thy paths.
I came to know peace in that moment. The kind of peace you can rest on, where your worries are assured because you give them up to something bigger than you.
So here I am, learning to walk in my true skin, not directing my own path, rather, setting my eyes forward, humble and with graciousness toward my true calling I heard many moons ago.
I had to step back and be humbled by the beauty of nature raw and true to its form.
I’ve truly realized the vast complexities of this earth and universe is so much larger than me, than us! Thus, I cannot lean unto my own understanding because that was limiting me.
And so began my journey on the right path in my original, true skin.
So many things led me to this moment.
I am healing. It.is.possible!
My traumas are being soothed and released. There is still much work to do but I can finally see the light shining into the tunnel.
I have ached for this for so long, gasping for breath barely staying above water, frantically wading out at sea.
But now I am floating, drifting toward a shore that has finally come into view. I am calm and sure, knowing I’ve found refuge just up ahead after a long time battling the treacherous waters, unsure if I’d ever make it out alive.
Though I’ve got quite a ways to travel before I am swept ashore and can stand on my two, I am able to weather the storm I’m in because I know it is bigger than me.
I know now that I couldn’t fight it away, I couldn’t understand it away.
I had to trust.
I became calm in the storm, eyes fixed on the land up ahead, knowing, trusting, that the sea would set me free.
And so my ask is:
What was your true skin, raw in it’s form in the very early years of your life, in your earliest memories?
What does it look like? What does it feel like?
And what did it say about who you truly were before life happened upon you and fooled your eyes?
In Psychology we have uncovered the power of perception and how what we see isn’t always truth but our minds fill in the blanks and make sense of it anyways.
My call to you is to find a quite moment in the coming days. Settle your mind and dig deep into your memories to find your true skin.
And hold on to that, and let that be the you that you believe and know to be true about who you are.
Don’t let your eyes fool you.
The G of Growth
The Growth Goddess enjoys leading others to knowledge, connections, healing, inspiration, peace, joy, and most of all, towards continual growth. Join her daily, or at your leisure, and most certainly in times of need. In her free time she can be found lost in a book, her thoughts, and marveling at nature. She thoroughly enjoys being a mother and wife and her days are happily filled with those duties. The G of Growth is on a mission as a self-healer and wants you to join her!
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